by Susan Johnston | Aug 29, 2005 | Build your own skills |
I had the good fortune this week to be interviewed for an article about how supervisors can communicate bad news. As a manager, I’ve done a bit of this, and I’ve certainly been on the receiving end. As a consultant, I’ve advised others communicating organizational changes that could be seen as bad news. As a PR student, I’ve done cases and simulations where we’ve closed plants, dealt with explosions and industrial accidents, and fired the CEO. But I did most of this before I learned about emotional intelligence.
In answering this reporter’s questions, I saw the situation through a filter of emotions. As a result, I think recognizing and discussing the emotional component makes communicating less of an ordeal.
Bad news brings out emotions, your own and other people’s. The feelings that emerge, sadness, fear, and anger, are the most uncomfortable of our emotional repertoire. Generations of humans have not learned to deal well with these particular feelings. As children, when they show up, we’re urged by well-meaning adults to “cheer up,” “be brave,” and “calm down.” (One EQ trainer I’ve worked with likes to quote an old family saying, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”) So we learn to suppress, change or hide these “bad” feelings, rather than understand them and use the information they contain.
Emotional hijack
But humans are emotional beings and we don’t stop being human when we get to work. Like it or not, feelings are going to come up, sometimes in unexpected ways. The thinking part of our brain (the neo-cortex) functions poorly when we’re in the grip of emotion. The “fight or flight” portion of our brain (the amygdala) has control. (Emotional intelligence theory labels this “emotional hijack.”)
So when you’re delivering bad news to employees (or anyone else) you need to be sensitive to the emotions. Logic, alone, won’t work. People aren’t thinking clearly; their brains won’t let them.
Good grief!
When bad news hits, a person goes through a process that’s similar to the grieving process. The intensity will vary with the individual and the situation – “No bonus this year” is a lot less intense than “The plant is closing.” But a form of grieving takes place whenever there is change. In her studies of grief, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross observed five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
As a manager communicating news that will mean a big change for your employees, you can expect them to experience these feelings and behaviours as they try to process the information andwork through their feelings. Only after they work through the first four will they get to acceptance.
- Denial: Employees believe the news isn’t true or won’t affect them. Help them by providing information.
- Anger: Employees feel wronged and may want to retaliate. Tears may signify the frustration of unexpressed anger, not sadness. Help by listening and finding ways they can redirect their energy towards something useful.
- Bargaining: Employees will try to make deals to prevent the unwanted event. Guard against encouraging false hopes.
- Depression: If employees exhibit signs of depression, listen and empathize – and encourage them to take advantage of any counselling available.
- Acceptance: It may take time for employees to reach this stage. Help throughout the process by making yourself available to talk about the feelings and the facts of the situation.
Since most people are unaccustomed to discussing their feelings, especially at work, you’ll probably have to “go first” when it comes to sharing feelings. Admit that you’re uncomfortable but you recognize that there are feelings associated with the news and they are as important as the facts. Invite employees to talk about how they feel. Chances are good that if you talk as one human to another, rather than defending the decision or just stating the facts, you’ll build trust as you move forward.
by Susan Johnston | Aug 28, 2005 | Uncategorized |
Once upon a time, I was a television reviewer for a daily newspaper. I was given this gig because I’d spent several years in TV news and, presumably, knew something about the medium. I had a daily column and several large pages a week to fill as I saw fit.
Networks sent me videos to enjoy, commercial-free, in the comfort of the newsroom. (If you’ve seen a newsroom, you’ll know that’s hardly "comfort," but that’s another story.) I got to interview stars and star wannabes. I actually touched Miss Piggy. I got to write cheeky columns about beauty pageants and awards shows, and thoughtful pieces about good programming and the people who create it.
In those days, I lived and breathed TV. Now I don’t even own one. And I don’t miss it at all.
I’d love to say I’m living this way for scientific research or my PhD thesis, but my tube-less status is purely accidental. Our old Sony wasn’t worth dragging on an international move and I just haven’t bothered to buy another. I find other things to do. I read. I sing. I bake. I blog. And today I discovered a piece of information that may just keep me this way forever.
Nine years and counting
According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than four hours of television each day. Several European countries are right up there with them. That’s 28 hours a week, or two months a year. If that average person reaches 65, he or she will have spent nine years glued to the tube. That scares me, especially when you consider there’ll be about a year of drug commercials.
Given my age and life expectancy, I’ll probably regain five years by not watching television. Yowza! That’s a nice chunk of time. I could do all the things I need to do and a whole lot of the things I want to do. I could realize my dream to turn my "To Do" list into a "Ta Da!" list.
What would five extra years do for you?
You might ask, "What’s this got to do with emotionally intelligent communication?" Maybe nothing. Or maybe it’s a reminder that life provides us with just so much time to be the creative and amazing creatures we were born to be. When our focus is on the tube – even good programming – we miss the opportunity to engage with the world, with ourselves, or with the moment.
On my first day at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, my boss (a wise producer named Trina McQueen) said that what sets TV apart from other media is its ability show emotion. Twenty-five years later, while I know she was correct at the time, I don’t believe TV does that job responsibly. It uses emotion in contrived and inauthentic ways. News has become "infotainment." Scheming, squabbling and just plain ignorance pass for "reality TV." Opinion poses as truth. Leadership is judged by the quality of "sound bites." And our view of the world is framed by CNN.
As a TV writer, I used to encourage people to demand better – from the networks, sponsors, and producers. Today, I encourage you to take back your time. You’ve got more intelligent things to do with all those years.
by Susan Johnston | Aug 4, 2005 | Build your own skills |
I’ll admit it. I talk to myself. I, you, and billions of other humans, have lively internal dialogues taking place nearly all the time. It’s as if we have invisible companions whispering in our ears in all our waking moments. When we talk to ourselves, repeating and re-repeating messages, we are like hypnotists making suggestions to our subconscious minds. What are you programming your mind to believe?
What do you say when you talk to yourself? If you’re like most people, it’s usually not along the lines of, “Wow. That was great. I’m really learning something here.” It’s more likely to come in the form of a judgment.
- “Ouch. That was so stupid.”
- “You are such a loser.”
- “You just can’t do anything right.”
- “This is never going to work.”
Originally, we may have heard these or similar statements from others, who were trying to help us by making us conform or improve, or hurt us by pointing out our flaws. But today, the voice that carries the “No!” message is our own.
Perhaps the most important messages you will ever communicate are the ones you send to yourself. After all, what we believe influences our actions and, ultimately, our lives.
In the sports world, research has suggested that self-talk has a significant impact on athletic performance. I’ve paddled on teams that, based on our physical condition, should have been eliminated in the first heats. But, as a team, we won the psychological race against our nay-saying inner gremlins, and that took us to the finals on the water.
As a singer and public speaker, I’ve seen similar results in my performance when my self-talk sounds like, “I’m well prepared,” “I’m ready,” and “This is going to be fun.”
Over the past few months, I’ve been working to stop sending myself negative messages in my life and my business. I’m trying to erase years of programming and replace it with thoughts that will help me. When that gremlin in my head starts whispering ideas that don’t serve me, I take a moment to acknowledge the thought and ask, “Is this true?” Then I look at the evidince, which is usually nonexistent or, at best, circumstantial.
This process hasn’t made me an enlightened being, but I have lightened up. Without the nagging, doubting, negative messages from my nay-saying inner voice, I can put something more positive into my head, for example, the truth of the situation. And my brain has the intellectual and emotional clarity to make better decisions.
So how do we reprogram ourselves? I’ve heard a few people suggest wearing an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it (Ouch!) every time you have a negative thought. I seem to be able to shut the negative argument off without the pain. I think about the pleasure of being able to work with a functioning brain, one not cluttered with fictional tales that send me back to a mythical territory of strife, struggle, bad luck, and bad hair days.
Some people claim that simply saying positive words can make a difference, whether or not you believe them. For me, replacing negative self-talk doesn’t mean chanting empty phrases, such as “My greatness is amazing,” or ” I’m a money magnet.” It means substituting a positive idea the mind can accept as possible, if not already true, such as, “I’m discovering greatness in me,” and “I offer services people value and pay for.” Some motivational speakers might accuse me of “playing small” with this tactic, but at least I’m playing.
Positive self-talk means:
- You build a better relationship with yourself when you ease up on the negative self-talk and substitute positive messages. Why would it be any different from a relationship with someone else? We prefer to be with folks who make us feel good, not those who consistently tear us down.
- You change your mental environment when you inject positive, believable thoughts. You just cannot stay in Loserville when your brain is willing to entertain that there might be something fabulous about you. (Dare I say “great”?)
- You communicate more effectively with other people when you’re feeling better about yourself. Plus you’re thinking clearly when the inner voice isn’t shouting abuse at you. You may actually be a nicer person.
So how should we talk to ourselves? My reading suggests the following key elements.
- Make it a habit to notice when the “No” voice is talking to you. (You might even thank it for its input and tell it you’ll consider the matter later.)
- Examine the facts of the case. What is really true? Turn that into a statement.
- Start the talk with “I,” not “you.” This lets your brain know you are in control of yourself.
- Use the present tense – “I am” and “I do” and “I have.” (Evidently, if you speak of positive things happening in the future, that programming leads your brain to keep them in the future.)
So talk to yourself. And enjoy the conversation. It may just lead you somewhere interesting – like precisely where you are trying to go.
by Susan Johnston | Jul 8, 2005 | Rants, Ramblings and Riddles |
Greetings from Florence. Alitalia has created a brilliant opportunity to write something about BAD customer communication. “What do you expect?” I hear you ask, “It’s an airline.” OK, I’ve been a spoiled princess where airlines have been concerned. Alitalia is making up for all that.
The fact that Alitalia has an area on its web site for dealing with lost luggage should have been a clue that things could go wrong. The more distressing thing is – it doesn’t work. I dutifully entered the number they gave me at the lost luggage counter at the airport, and the system doesn’t recognize me or the bag. If you call the office, you hear a tape recording telling you that all claims must be in writing and there is absolutely no point in trying to talk to anyone. Yes, let’s just cut off all communication with anyone who might actually be able to tell me that someone is actually searching for this bag.
When a customer has a problem with your product or service, it’s important that they get some sort of acknowledgement that someone notices or cares. Actually being seen to be doing something to resolve the problem is even better. Best of all? Solving the problem!
I don’t know whether this is something Alitalia doesn’t know, or if it’s employees and managers just can’t deal with all the yelling. But shutting off communication won’t stop the yelling. It makes us yell more. We just yell more publicly and to anyone who’ll listen.
Yelling was something they were really trying to avoid when they cancelled the London – Milan and London-Rome flights yesterday morning due to a scheduled short-term strike by – well – nobody could tell us. Hundreds of people were inconvenienced – and the situation was made worse by the fact that the airline would provide no information. No info about rescheduling. No info about what would happen if we missed connections. No info about why the flight was cancelled.
When someone in the line with a wireless-connected laptop tried to get to the Alitalia web site to see if they could get some info on rebooking, we learned about the shocking bombings in the London Underground. Already stressed, the crowd’s anxiety levels increased.
A group travelling to Africa was clearly going to miss its very necessary connection. As they became more agitated and anxious, they became louder. The official became more steadfast in his refusal to give them any information that might suggest anyone knew or cared about their situation. I actually heard him threaten to call police and have the next person who yelled at him arrested.
This was all going on in a communication situation complicated by language and cultural differences and the shock of the bombings. A little sensitivity was completely in order, and none was demonstrated.
Sure, Alitalia is, like so many airlines, experiencing serious financial and operational difficulties. But information doesn’t cost anything. Neither does being nice. Going incommunicado is not a survival strategy.
by Susan Johnston | Jul 2, 2005 | Rants, Ramblings and Riddles |
“I just get home and then I leave again.” That’s one of the lines in Diana Krall’s song, Departure Bay. I guess that’s the story of her life. In recent months, it’s the story of mine. I just got back from Washington, DC, and I’m heading off to the UK tonight. The turnaround was shortened because of a thunderstorm that closed Dulles Airport on the eve of the Canada Day/Fourth Of July weekend. I know it’s not very fashionable to say nice things about airlines, but the people at Air Canada were helpful and creative – and up to the challenge of getting me moving again.
So back to the music. Though not in Diana’s league, I’m heading out tonight for a few weeks of singing in Italy. Folks think that’s a bit of a switch from the DC communication conference and its focus on business communication. I don’t see it that way. It’s ALL communication. When you work on a song, the words are important – yet they’re not the whole story. Movement, inflection, pacing, volume, pauses, rhythm all add to the context and help the audience understand the story.
These elements of non-verbal communication are critical in expressing the meaning of your communication. Studies dating back to the 1960s research of Dr. Albert Mehrabian suggest that, particularly when there is an emotional component to the communication, just 7% of a message is conveyed by our words. Tone accounts for 38%. Body language fills in the other 55%.
This is shocking news. If we think about anything in our spoken communication – and that’s not a given – we’ll give thought to our words. The rest just happens.
In the music workshops I’m attending, we spend a lot of energy and time thinking about the 93% of communication that is beyond words. We dig into our emotions – joys, fears, anger, sadness – to mine the nuggets of feeling that will make our characters and our stories come alive in our songs so we can really touch the audience.
As communicators outside the world of music, these techniques help us be better understood, be better at influencing others, and be conveyors of the whole story.
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It’s likely to be three weeks before I’m near a computer again. I’ll have lots of thoughts on my return. In the mean time – the homework is awareness. What IS your body language saying. What DOES your tone convey?
Cheers – Sue
